Kvetch

Why did my therapist have to ask me about religion today? It was not a good time. That stupid git who decided to make me question everything that I had figured out already. (Not my therapist. Some guy-friend of a friend type-who randomly starts telling me that I have issues that need to be worked out. Last time I'm honest on AIM.) Up until a couple days ago I had resolved all this crap. It's true that I am no where near as religious as I appear to be. But at least I'm not a hypocrite. If someone were to ask me if I believe in God I would answer truthfully. Of course, I don't actually have an answer. It's more of a "sometimes" type answer. And do I ever pray? I have seriously become a twice a year Jew-Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. Of course, I do fast every fast and I can still "give over" a nice little vort when the muse descends on me. But that's just because I'm so smart and don't forget things I learned, what, at least three years ago? (I don't count my second foray in the Israel seminary world because I didn't go to class then, at all. No wonder I got kicked out.) I do dress the way everyone expects me to, but that's more from force of habit and the fact that I feel naked if my knees are even close to showing. Kosher I do, but what choice do I really have there? None. I'm not about to traif up anyone else's kitchen. I love shabbos so there would be no point in not keeping it. A day where I'm forced to do nothing. It's brilliant! I had told myself that I believe all this shit, or at least I felt there was a good chance it's true, so why risk hell? (I told this to someone and her response was, "There is no Jewish hell." I think she missed my point.) I mean I've done the required Discovery seminars that they bring in to all the schools, eventhough you would think the religious schools wouldn't need them. So I can see some "proof" that the Torah was written by God. In all actuality, if there is a God, there is no doubt in my mind that the Torah is 100% true. Well, if there is a God in the sense we tend to think of God. You know, creator who is still involved in life and requires all this shit from us all the time. Of course, I have read enough things to make me skeptical of everything I have been taught since I was in kindergarten. But does that give me a right to turn my back on the way I was raised?

Well let's be all rabbinical and use a parable. Say I was raised as a bleeding heart liberal. Then say I had blunt trauma to my head and decided that everything I grew up believing was totally wrong. Who needs any social programs? Not us! So would it make any sense at that point for me to remain a liberal? No. In the same sense, I was raised Orthodox. So if I don't believe in any of it anymore, should I keep doing it? My real problem is that I can't imagine any other life. First off, I highly doubt my parents would continue supporting me. I mean, since they completely support me it's like I'm living under their roof, and I don't think they would allow me to do anything too obviously "wrong". But they wouldn't kick me out. At least I don't think they would. But back to not being able to imagine my life at all differently. What are the chances that I would be able to get married in the timeframe I would like to if I'm not dating within the Orthodox world? What would my wedding be like? Of course, past that I can imagine it. I see myself living in Manhatten, in a brownstone. (This is my dream, k?) I send my kids to the top public schools. I don't have to worry about the shit-ton of money to send kids to Jewish schools. I can celebrate CHRISTMAS!!! I would love to be able to have a Christmas tree. Since it's a totally secularized holiday and the tree and Santa are leftovers from pagan rituals. But still, I get stuck on this whole idea of what my wedding would be like. I love Jewish weddings. The only thing about non-Jewish (well at least non-religious) weddings I would miss would be dancing with my own husband. But other than that, I really see no reason why anyone else should get to dance with their husbands. I mean the chuppa and the ketuba and all that, I don't feel any particular attachment to it, but who would come to my wedding if I didn't have any of that? All my friends are Orthodox. My roommate has been dating a guy for sixish weeks and they already know they're getting married in August! Not that I want that. I want a much more leisurely dating period. Of course if you can't touch, I can see why people would want to hurry things along. But I do want a baby. I want to be preggers. I want to breastfeed. I want to buy all that crap! I also would love to be able to have a baby shower before I give birth, which ain't gonna happen in this world. I think the way you end up having to do it is take your mom or mother in law and show them EXACTLY what you want and they get to rush out and buy it as soon as you let them know you have given birth. And then rush home and set it all up. Now I understand why babies sleep in bassinets for the first several weeks! So there's time to set up the nursery! (That's another problem I've been contemplating. How can I justify a Pack 'N Play with the bassinet feature AND a whole other bassinet. Particularly if that other one is a Co-Sleeper, which also converts into a playpen.)

I'm rambling. A lot. I should probably add paragraph breaks somewhere or another. This is not supposed to turn into another Jewish blog. I don't want it to be. Maybe I'll create a new blog and move it over there. I can then post all my crises of faith there. My apologies if someone happens to stumble upon this and has not fucking idea what the hell I'm talking about.

edit: Well, I created a new blog.